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ࡱ> q` +bjbjqPqP 2t:: `  PdPdPdPdTf w$gggggggg>w@w@w@w@w@w@w$xhe{bdwjggkl\dwggyw$rrrmXgg>wrj>wrrrgg \<PdXmr>ww<wr{Ln6{r{rghrh"jixgggdwdwrgggwjjjj  )dFd )F  Dedication First, I wanna give honor to my heavenly father, God alone. I want to honor my beautiful mother Janette Fells and my father Robert Simpkins, who is now deceased. These two people are the most important people in my life because if it wereasn`t for them I wouldn`t be here. I also want to thank God for my six wonderful children,: Shelicia, Marvin, Contarrius, Anthony, Antoinette, and Angel. They have been the inspiration that hasve kept me moving. And last but not least, I want to give thanks to my grandmothers and grandfathers for being the link for me being here. Introduction We, as people of God, are destined to be different. Being different is simply being just who God created us to be. We may have some of the same characteristics, looks, shapes, and sizes, but we are all different in some unique ways. I have found that we, as people on earth, have a tendency to look at other people and want to mimic them, not knowing that we can`t be exactly like otherat persons. God created every one of us just the way he wanted us to be. From myine own experience, I have learned that being different causes you to be noticed and also causes you to stand out like a sore thumb. For so many years I did not enjoy being who God created me to be because it caused me so much pain. I had to walk alone because I was so different. Growing up as a little girl, I never understood why I did not have people that I could call true friends. As a little girl, I felt different but I didn`t know in what way . This became a struggle for me because people would not hang out with me. This became a journey with so much pain because I was only a kid and I did not understand why I didn`t fit in with the crowd. I tried to fit in but it just didn`t work. It never duawnned on me, with being so young, that I was this way only because I had a call on my life and I was chosen by God for greatness. As I grew older I tried to make myself fit in but it only caused me trouble. I remember when I was 5 five years old, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me that I might as well get used to walking alone because this would be a journey with me and him. I never understood this until now because it has been a lonely journey. People has not been as nice as I thought they should have been, but with the help of God, I have made it this far. We, as people of God, need to realize that we are different and appreciate our differences. If we were all alike, this world would be a mess. God has created us for greatness, so dare to be different. I am 34 thirty-four years old and I now know who I am. I struggled all these years with frustration and confusion because I did not know my true identity. I am just realizing who I am. I believe I would have been faurther along in my life if I would have dared to be different. I am writing today because I want others to know that it is okay to be different,; that is the way we were created to be. I don`t want anyone to suffer all the years I suffered struggling with who I am. I learned the hard way who I really am. As I journey through life, it all started when I was about 5 five years old. I went to school thinking that I was a normal little girl, not knowing that I was destined for greatness., and Nnot knowing all the hardship that this life would bring. I began to discover at an early age that this was a lonely journey. I would go out on the playground to play with the other children, not realizing that I was not whomat everybody wanted to play with, I was not a popular kid. As I journeyed, I tried to make friends but no one seemed to like me. The children would pick on me; I was laughed at as if I wasn`t anybody. The only people that would play with me were the children that were not likely to look upon me as myself. So, at an early age I learned to play all by myself,; but little did I know that I would even be hated for that. I would go to get on the swing all by myself and someone would come and tell me to get off. One particular day, I decided to go get on the see-saw. As I sat all by myself on one end of the see-saw, this young man came up and told me to get off. I told him that I was on it first. So, I was told to get off again by the same little boy. I felt as if this was my right because remember I was on it first. So But low and behold, he gets on the other end of the see-saw, angrily pushes his bottom down on the seat thatnd bumpsed me into the air. I came tumbling down,; my face hits the bar of the see-saw and my eye wais now all swollen and big. I did not realize that thatis was only the beginning of my sorrow. As life went on, I began to grow a bit older. I didn`t like the fact of walking alone and being different. So, as I journeyed along, I began to cause trouble by trying to be the class clown because I wanted attention. I allowed my peers to convince me to do things out of the ordinary. I enjoyed being different in that way, because it caused all eyes to be on me. I even remember letting my peers convince me into fighting this young lady. They kept saying, I bet you won`t go hit her. I replied, "I bet I will." So, not knowing the trouble I would get into, I let my peers convince me into pushing this young lady;, this caused us to fight. The students at the whole playground of students surrounded us, but I didn`t realize that I was only being set up to receive a paddling. Me and tThe young lady and I received a paddling, and where were our so-called friends.? Remember, I did all this because I didn`t want to be different; I wanted to be liked by the people around me. I wanted friends, not knowing that a true friend will never convince me to do things that will cause me harm. Well as life went on, I began this journey called little- girls- liking- little- boys. I thought this would make life a little bit better. I began to like boys because it seemed as if that was my only way out. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel as if I was important to others. I did not know all of the hardships this would cause me. But I decided to try this anyway. This became more important to me than anything in my life because I was struggling with who I really was. This became a battle because I was brought up in church by my grandfather that was my pastor at that time. My heart longed for the things of God, but I also longed to be loved by some earthly being. Life began to be a little bit more difficult. I did not know what choice was the right choice. I felt as if I was all alone because I really didn`t fit in. I began to feel important when I started getting attention from the young boys at my school. I became rebellious to the teachers. I stayed in the office and in the alternative classroom, a place where the rebellious go to be away from a normal classroom setting. This place was almost like a jail cell. I could not talk or do anything, just do my homework all day long. As the years went by, I began to want more attention. I became this rude, cursing, fighting young lady. I couldn`t get along with anyone. This is where I drew my strength, being a problem child, not knowing I was headed down the wrong roade. I became the center of attention; the teachers couldn`t handle me because I caused so much havoc. This was only the beginning of many hardships. I had to learn the hard way that it was okay to be different; it is okay to be yourself. My life changed when I became 14 fourteen years old. I was not happy with being who God created me to be because it seemed as if no one understood. I would follow my grandfather to church every time he went. It was at this point when I knew I had a call on my life, but struggled. I would have dreams &and visions, and it seems nobody wanted to be around me because I would speak what I felt or saw in a dream and it would happen, so people felt I was putting the jinks on them. I was laughed at for even laying hands on people; my sisters and brothers even thought I was strange. I even felt strange, but I didn`t know in what way. It seemed as if I caused others problems because of the dreams &and visions I would have. I got tired of being who God created me to be, so I asked God to take it away. Because not only did these gifts cause people to not want to be around me, but some of those dreams made me afraid. I couldn`t handle all the pressure that came with being different, chosen by God to do a work that was above my thinking, something that is not a natural way of thinking. At this time in my life, this became my biggest struggle. I could not accept the fact that I was destined to be different. I could not do things that were wrong without always getting caught. God says he chastise those whom he loves. For whom the Lord loves he chastens, and scourges every son whom he receives. Hebrew, 12:6 KJV I remember many times when I would try to do things others would do and I would get caught. One particular day at school, we had semester exams and I left school because I did not have to take any test for these particular classes. So, I was convinced to go over some young men`s house. When we came back home to our grandfather`s house, our grandfather met us through a trail leading to the house. He told us that someone told him that we were over theose young men`s house; he gave us a whipping that particular day. I was never allowed to do certain things without being caught. My cousin and others did not want me to go anywhere with them because we would always get caught when I tagged along. This was the beginning of God showing me that he loved me enough to chastise me. I began to realize that I could no longer do what others did. So I was no longer convinced to go anywhere or do things I shouldn`t be doing. My grandfather talked about going to hell so much that I developed this fear of God. I no longer longed to do the things my cousin and others did. I decided to sell out to God. I felt I wanted what God had for me at the time. I would carry my bible to school; I wore my long skirts and dresses; I even wore high heels to school. I didn`t care about being different because all that mattered was me going to Hheaven, so that I could live for ever because there wasn`t anything in hell that I wanted. Hell didn`t seem to be a place for a young lady like me. So, I chose to be a soldier for Christ. I began to preach to everyone around me, my teachers, my brothers and sisters, my associates, and anyone that came across my path. It didn`t matter to me what people thought about me, I just knew I was heaven- bound. This is all that mattered to me. I felt I was on the road to some good things. This way felt much better than the other lifestyles. I became a witness for Christ. When people seeaw me coming, they would all say, "all tThere is Robinette with that Jesus stuff." I attended bible study, Sunday school, and Sunday morning worship faithfully. This became a joy all by itself. I began leading songs in the choir. I read my bible faithfully; I was able to quote so many scriptures. I felt there wasn`t anything I could not conquer; there wasn`t any mountain too high. This is when I began to grasp the scriptures. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phillipians, 4:13 Not knowing at the time that this was only a scripture that I was just quoting because I was an innocent kid that didn`t know the meaning of much more hardships. It was not until I became 32 thirty-two when I realized that that scripture is just what it means. Letting dDown yYour Guards I continued on in what people say is doing the work as an evangelist, not knowing that there was an enemy waiting to strip me of everything;: my joy, my peace, my hope in Christ. I remember begging my grandfather to let me go to work in the cotton field because he hauled cotton choppers. From year to year he kept saying I was too small to go; he said I had reached the age to go, but I was too small. Well, I`m only 4`11"four foot eleven; now could you imagine how tall I was when I was 14 fourteen years of age. So, I kept saying I believe I can do the work and I finally convinced him to let me go. But low and behold, did I know the enemy would trap me up in the cotton field. Even though I was very small, but lovely to look upon, I attracted the enemy himself. I have a natural twist in my walk, so it really attracted the enemy. Men began to argue over who would chop my row, so I never had to do my work. I was highly favored by the men in the cotton field. I was innocent, but the enemy was watching. My grandfather was warned by this little older lady that he needed to watch me because she believes that this older guy liked me. Well, I got upset because I said she was just being nosy. She kept telling my grandfather I would end up pregnant. She said that she believed that meI and this certain man wereas beating everyone up the rows of cotton because we wereas doing things we shouldn`t be doing. Well, she was right, this 26 twenty-six-year-year- old man was whispering these sweet- nothings in my ear and I became septicle to his words. I began to like him; I felt I was on top of the world. I finally felt loved by a physical being. I allowed this man to convince me to become sexually active with him. I remember him asking me to miss a day of work,; I agreed to do so. So one particular day, I pretended to be sick and convinced my mother to let me stay at home. The only thing I didn`t know was I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I allowed him to come over. I took him in my bedroom, but as he began to approach me, I told him that my mother told me not to be doing things like that,. hHe replied, y"You had me missing work and you`re not going to follow through with what you said." I felt bad so I allowed him to take my virginity. After this incident, I became real foolish for this man. I allowed him to convince me to miss school to be with him. I would even ride my bike all the way to the other side of town for this man. There was no fear in what I was doing. He had me coming out at different times of the night. He would tell me to act as if I needed to pour food outside from the leftovers, while washing dishes. He agreed to pay my sisters to come out with me. There was this Church beside our house and he would convince me to come back there to be with him. I would lie ion the leaves, letting him perform his act. At times, it there wereas even lightning and thundering, but he convinced me to be with him no matter what. I would have thought that the times when he convinced me to come to see him, his grandparents, aunts, and mother would let me know that I needed to go home,; but they indulged in it by allowing us to perform these sexual acts in their bedrooms. I continued to be with this man, and one particular night, he talked me into coming out side way ovlater in the night, about 3:00 a.m. Thatis particular night, I got caught, but I lied to my mother that I was outside with some of my other guy friends. This continued on and I became pregnant. I told my sister I was pregnant, so she told my mother. When my mother found out that I was pregnant; she told me that I had to go. She said I could no longer live with her. At the time I didn`t understand what was going on in my life. So I had to go stay with my grandmother and grandfather. I did not realize the pain I had caused my mother because there were 7 seven other siblings that she had and it was already a struggle taking care of us. Well, this journey of being angry with everyone began. I felt low, stupid, and confused. I felt that everyone was against me, that everyone hated me, and that I was all alone. Not knowing I brought this on myself., I felt everybody else was my problem. I couldn`t see that I was warned to leave this man alone. IAt was times, my mother said she would press charges on this man because he was too old,; but I continued to be with him against all odds. I began to go from house to house. I left my mother`s parents` house because they were receiving a check and food stamps for me, and I felt all they wanted was my money. So, my father`s grandmother from my father`s side allowed me to stay with her,; it was fine and dandy until she said that I couldn`t go anywhere with the man I was pregnant by. I left my grandmother`s house and went to stay with my father. I felt safe and secure there because my dad seemed to understand me. He even allowed me to have just what I wanted. He allowed my baby`s father to stay with me, not realizing that I was too young for this,; but he told everyone to leave me alone and he also said that I will find out on my own that the man was too old, but and let it be a choice of mine. Then, I had to leave my father`s house because he would drink all the time and I didn`t get along with his girlfriend. The next place I moved to was with my sister. She was good to me and my baby; she took good care of us. She bought me and my baby clothes, shoes, and some of everything. I just didn`t know how treat her. I would talk to her any kind of way. I, mMy sister, and my cousin, and I stayed with her. We always stayed into it with each ot her place while she was at work. We caused her so much frustration because we wouldn`t clean or do anything. She worked so hard and had to always come home to a nasty house because all we did was get laid up with our boyfriends. I became pregnant again with my second child, so eventually she told us that we all had to go. I left there and went back to my father`s house again, but this time he stayed in a different house. My two sisters came to live with us too. I was okay for a moment, but I began to complain about doing house chores and that I wasn`t receiving fair treatment. So, my father just said, " yYou don`t get alonge with anybody;, you need your own house." This was really hard to swallow because out of all people, I never thought my dad would neglect me. He even got so angry with me to the point he told me I might as well drop out of school because I had two babies. I really felt low because my dad never talked to me like that; all he ever saw was the potential that I had on the inside of me. At this point, I felt I had frustrated everybody that tried to help me. I felt as if I had no one to turn to. My father decided to find me a house to rent. This was okay for a little while, but this was the beginning of a long journey. At this time, I have two children, I am still in high school and I have my own house. I had to get myself up every morning to go to school and had to drop my little ones off at the childay care. In order for me to pay my bills, I would braid hair after school and on weekends. Later, my sister Tonya moved in with me,; so it was me, my two children, and her daughter. This was a big responsibility for me, but I managed to make it with God`s help. By being so young, I began to have so much traffic in and out of my house; I had no control over my own house. I was just a 17 seventeen-year- old kid with kids and a house. I hid behind my pain by not giving myself a moment without having a boyfriend in my life. I was so broken that I began to talk to my best friend`s brother and whoe was a married man,. wWe talked about our problems, and before you know it, we had fallen for each other. I thought the world of this man. He promised to marry me after he gets a divorce from his first wife, but low and behold, once I became pregnant by him, he no longer wanted to be bothered with me. He told me that he was going back to North Carolina with his wife,; so there I am was pregnant with my third child. I cried every day after he left and ended up having a miscarriage, but with God`s help I made it through. So, life went on and I got over that relationship. I didn`t stop here, I allowed the enemy to trick me over and over again by men. I began to be with man after man, not with two at a time but after I broke up with one, I would get me another one. I found no happiness in this. I was just trying to fill the void that I had. This caused me so much pain; I encountered different STDs`S,; I just did not get those that you cannot cure, Thanks, be to God. My life was shattered, but I kept moving no matter what!. I tried to give my life back to God, but I was tricked one more time by my 4fourth child`s father, he told me how good I looked and I fell for it. He started talking to me while I was at church. Before you knew it I allowed him to come over to my house. "The first night that he came to my house, we began to kiss and before you knew it we wasere having sex." I felt low because I had never done anything like that. I asked him difd that makde him feel I was a whore;. hHe said no; he felt it was something that just happened. Well, we kept talking and before I knew it I had allowed him to move into my house. He was going to church with me, but this didn`t make things right. Then after we finally broke up I called myself back in church and I allowed the enemy to trick me again. After being hurt by one more young man; I finally got baptized for the 3rd third time in my life. I told God that I was tired of getting in and out of the church, so I made a vow that I will never sleep with another man unless he was my husband. So, I actually went without having a man for about a year,; this was the longest period I had ever gone without dating a man. I was afraid to be alone. I wouldn`t allow myself to heal over one relationship before entering into another one; I felt like this was my security. The next time I did sleep with anyone else, I was married. This journey began, when this young man saw me at church. He began to ask me why did I missed church during the week, and before I knew it I was talking to him. One day, he showed up at my house unexpectedingly, and he wouldn`t leave,. wWe sat and talked until the next morning. My grandfather heard that he had stayed overnight and he said that he was tired of me making his church look bad by getting in and out of church having babies out of wed-lock. My grandfather talked to the young man and told him that if he wais interested in me, he needed to marry me. So, we met one week and got married the next week. I had gotten into something that I didn`t understand,; it was too late to look back. We began to fuss and argue because he fussed about everything,; nothing I did satisfied him. We went through a series of battles. I found out that he really married me because he didn`t want to be alone. He was still in love with his ex-wife. After he told me that he married me because he was alone and he didn`t know that his ex-wife was going to move back to Dumas, I asked him to leave, but he would not. I even told him that if it didn`t work out between the two of them after he leaves, that he could come back. I told him to just go to see what it would be like because he was taking me through too much hell. He decided to stay with me and we started having children together. I remember getting on my knees crying every day about this marriage. It had gotten so bad that all I did was cry. I wcouldn`t pick my bible up and pray because these situations took so much strength out of me. We went on in the marriage; and I began to find out that this man had fines everywhere. Then I also found out that he owed the IRS money. So, me being his wife worked hard doing hair, trying to keep him from going to jail. Before I married him I had perfect credit. I was always able to pay my bills before the due date, but, this became a journey, trying to pay old fines and the IRS. In the midst of us trying to pay these old fines off, he would go and get other fines for speeding, making more problems. So this caused us to get behind on paying all the other things that I had before we got married. Instead of paying my bills before the due dates, I had to pay them late. The bills collectors started calling me. I am not blaming him for all of the things that happened. Because I had problems I accumulated, listening to people tell me that I don`t have to pay my bills before the due date. I can wait until I get a shut-off notice. This was the biggest mistake I could have ever made, listening to outsiders. Well, in the midst of all of this, I was doing hair at home. I had so many different people coming in and out of my house. This was a big mistake because the women were watching everything that went on in my house. I would do hair from sun up to sun down. I had never been married before so I didn`t know how to treat my husband. I would talk to him any kind of way in front of other people. I would fuss at him and tell him what he better do, not knowing that these women were watching. This man would do anything I would ask him to do. So, the women thought they could tell me to tell him what to do. I began to do his ex-wife`s mother and cousin`s hair in my house. I made a mistake telling them about our marriage,; I felt they could help., Nnot knowing they were coming for no good. These things created other problems between us. Before you knew it his ex-wife started coming over. Its times she would come in the house and try to come to the back where we were. MeI, being a cChristian, thought you`re supposed to be gentle and not say anything. So, his ex-wife began to talk to me any kind of way. I asked my ex-husband to tell her to stop cursing me out and to stop talking to me any kind of way. He would say, "I`m not telling her anything because the both of you are stupid." This drew a line between me & and him. I began to think he was still dealing with her in some way. We began to have so many problems. He began to accept letters tfrom herim,; he took the letter and put it at the head of the bed. Before you knew it, me & my ex-husband and I wereas not able to have sexual- relations with each other. I couldn`t even sleep in the bed with him,; it felt like my bed was always burning. I would have to get out and pray. One day, I talked to my grandfather about what was going on, and he instructed me to get rid of the letter this ex-wife had written to my ex-husbandim. He said that people practice witchcraft and that may be the reason he put the letter at the head of the bed where he sleeps. Whatever was going on, it was something I hadn`t ever experienced in my life. I know my ex-husband could not have sexual relations with me because his body wouldn`t allow him to,; he could not arise. I told my oeldest sister what was going on. She told me that one of her clients told her that the ex-wife`s mother practices witchcraft because, the client says, the ex-mother-motherin-law told her she can give her some information of what to do to keep her husband. God allowed me to come through all of thiese. After I had my first son, Anthony Jr., we had sexual relations and I caught Ggonnaorrhea. I asked my ex-husband where did I geot it from,; he told me he didn`t know. But, he told me later that day that he had sex with his step-sister. This young lady was one of the women I was doing her hair. I would talk to her about my husband. He said he went to her house one day, when I sent him to get an egg because I was making some meatloaf. She approached him by taking her clothes off. He says he began to have sexual intercourse with her, and he thought about he had a wife at home, so he stopped. I ended up staying with him because my grandmother convinced me to stay with him. This was the beginning of many problems with the women. My cousin stayed next door to me and she would come home from work and go in her house to change clothes. She would put on a mini-skirt to come over to my house, to and get her hair done. I would talk to her about the problems I was having with my husband. This woman began to cook food for me and she began to keep the kids. Then, I noticed she started sending her kids over to tell my husband to come over to fix things for her. So, my brother told my mother to tell me to stop letting this lady keep my kids because she told him that when I work at night, that she was being with my husband. My brother said she kept my kids to butter me up. Then later I found out that my ex-husband would have me keeping his daughter by his ex-wife, and he im & and sher would be meeting up at her mother`s house. My sister heard the ex-wife`s Aaunt told her that she knew that I was a good wife and that she hates to see my ex-husband mess up his marriage for her niece, because her neiece doesn`t mean him any good. She told her that they would meet each other. So one day my brother had my mother to come pick me up because he said he got tired of seeing me at home and he would see my ex with my car over his ex-mother-in-law`s house with the ex-wife. So I went and saw him over there, but they wouldn`t allow me to go in. I asked him if was they were still being together,; he said no. I stayed with him because we wereas taught to stick it out if we get married. People made it seem as if God would get you if you don`t tough it out. Before I knew it my ex-husband is no longer coming home for lunch like he usually wadoes. So, one day I decided to go to his job to ask if he was he there,; nobody knew where he was. at. So, by this time I began to lose all the trust that I had in him. Later, we decided to move to Hot Springs, Arkansas. My Aaunt convinced us to move, so that we would have a better life. I told my clients that I was moving one week, and the next week, we left Dumas, ARrkansas. I am now pregnant with my 5th fifth child. We moved in with my Aaunt,. It was hard re-adjusting because I was so used to doing hair &and making money. My ex-husband found a job, but we wereas trying to pay the bills that we had before we moved with just his income. This caused us to get faurther behind,; we began to be behind on our vehicle note, credit cards, & and everything. This caused my credit score to drop from perfect credit to bad credit because we couldn`t pay all the bills we had on time. After some time passed, we wereasn`t able to pay anything on them. I didn`t go back to work until after having my daughter. Life was never the same because it seems we wereas always in financial distress. Our marriage started really going down hill. All my ex-husband did when he came home was fussed. We stayed into it over petty stuff. One day, my mother came to us and told us that my Aaunt had been telling her that we had to go,. So my mother told me that she felt like it was time for us to find our own house because she was tired of my Aaunt talking about us. We went looking for a place to stay, and my mother &and Aaunt kept saying, "yYou know you have to crawl before you walk." They felt that I needed to go stay in the project homes, but I beg the difference. I said I didn`t have to live no anywhere because I serve God. God blessed us to get a 4 four-bedroom home. We moved in while I was about 8 eight months pregnant. I didn`t have a phone, but God allowed a neighbor up the street to let me use her phone when I needed to call anybody. We suffered so many things, but God allowed us to almost stay above water. I went to work after having Antoinette to help out. It seems that the more we tried, the harder it got. I would go to work and the lady at the day care would call because Antoinette was sick. She got so sick that the lady said she couldn`t keep her with her being that sick,; so I had to take hAntoinetter to work with me. I got so frustrated because it seems my working was in vain anyway because I would have not much of anything when the week was finally over. So, I decided to be a stay- at- home mom. This became a big strain on my husband,; so I began to do hair at my house. We never had extra money to do anything with. We both wereas so unsatisfied with our marriage. We had to have counseling,; it only worked for a little while and we were back to our miserable lifestyle again. We had many battles because of our finances. While living in Hot sSprings, the very people that convinced us to move turned against us. I did all I knew to help theose people, but they became an enemy,; this was my aunt. Instead of her trying to help, she began to talk about us,. I always wondered why none of the church members never came to get their hair done. I found out through the church members that she told them not to come to me because I was too expensive. This really hurt me because I was doing my Aaunt and her children`s hair for free, and this was what I was getting in return. So many different incidents kept coming up about her talking about me behind my back. This person just so happened to be my pastor &and my Aaunt. She began to tell the church members not to worry about me &and my kids. Some of the members would want to take me out to eat, but she would tell them to leave me &and my kids at home.! I continued to go to the church and tried to ignore what was going on. So all of a sudden, people at the church began to come to me to talk about the things that my Aaunt was doing to them, and they kept saying that they wanted to leave the church,; so I just went to her to tell her that people was talking about leaving. She started saying that I was the problem. So, one day she called me and said that I was released from her church. She called her deacon and told him that she had released me from her church. I was so hurt because I felt that I didn`t do anything to deserve this kind of treatment because everything I did was to help, not hurt her. I remember lying on the floor before God, crying because I was so hurt, I felt like dying. The Holy Spirit told me to get up. He spoke to me and said that he didn`t allow me to go through that for it to take me out or for it to put me in a crazy house,. hHe said, "I allowed you to go through it because when you moved back to Dumas, there will be many people that have been hurt by the church that I will have to minister to." So, I got up & and kept moving. God had provided a church right around the corner from where I lived,. It was a church with only Caucasians, at first I was scared to go, but I persevered. When I tell you those people accepted me with open arms. They showed me so much love. Later, I decided to move back to Dumas. I called my sister to tell her to pick me up because I was tired of my marriage &and my life in Hot Springs,. AR. She was surprised, but she came to get me and the kids. When I made it to Dumas, AR., I asked one of my sisters if I could I stay with her,; she said yes. I moved out quickly because her daughter told me that her mother said she doesn`t think she was going to be able to deal with her kids &and all five of mine. So, I got so hurt,. I walked across the street to my other sister`s house and asked if I could I stay with her,; she said yes. This was one of my sisters that wereas not saved, but she accepted me in. I stayed for a little while,; she treated me goodwell, with the utmost respect. I decided I wanted to take my husband back, so I called him because he was still in Hot Springs working. He told me to look for us a house. I saw this big 5 five-bedroom house that was for sealel. My sister said that she had asked about the house some other time, but the owner said that he didn`t want to rent it out. But, God granted me favor. He told me that I could get it. We moved in it. God began to do some great things on our behalf. The enemy didn`t like it, so the ex-wife came back in the picture. We began to get into it over my husband. One day, I went to my sister`s beauty shop to talk. I was so joyful that day, but began to move too fast. I didn`t know that the enemy had a trap for me. I got in my car and drove around the block and saw my husband &and his ex-wife talking. I flipped out. He lied to me like she was over his sister`s house talking to her. So, all of a sudden, me and the ex-wife and I started arguing. Before I knew it, I became so angry that I got in the car and tried to kill her & and his sister,. bBut when I came to myself, I realized that I had wrecked her car. Then I saw my husband walking up the street and I tried to run over him too. I kept driving and ran over to my sister`s house to tell her what happened. I told her that I left the scene of the accident because I didn`t have any insurance. I told her to call the insurance company to see if I could get some. I don`t know what I was thinking because insurance doesn`t work like that. But God stepped in,; the people said that I did have insurance. I know this was nothing but an act of God because I hadn`t had insurance in a while. The insurance company provided me a rental vehicle and everything. His ex-wife signed a warrant on me, but she didn`t show up for court, so the charges were dropped. When she found out that the charges wereas dropped, she went back and signed another warrant, but God didn`t allow this to slip in on me. I found out that there was a warrant for my arrest when I sent my husband to a restaurant to get me some food,; he had a wreck, but left the scene of the accident to bring me my food. So, he ended up going to jail, and in the midst of him going to jail, the people gave him some papers to bring to me to and let me know that I had a warrant for my arrest. The police don`t do things like that, but God allowed them to give him my papers to give me heads up of my enemy. I went to pay the fine off. They said if I wouldn`t have paid the fine, I would have wgonent to jail. The only reason I had the money on me was because for some reason every time I went to pay my rent, the man was not there to take it. God allowed all of thiese so that I would have the money. The enemy thought he would sneak in on me, but God didn`t allow him to. In this house, I began to discover many gifts that wereas laying dormant on the inside of me. How I discovered all of this is through so many struggles. I lost my fFord cContour at the time. I ended up getting a new Pontiac Montana. I lost this van a few months after getting it. So, this is when I began to draw real close to God because me & my family and I could no longer go to the church that we wereas attending because it was too far. Nobody came by to check on me, but God started sending Valencia kKing (my sister`s classmate) by to see me. She would just be walking to the post- office and the Holy Spirit would tell her to stop by. We would sit &and talk. Then, God had me to use one of the rooms in my house for a prayer room. Valencia would pray with me. I felt so much love from Valencia that I started going to church with her. She would have the church van to come by to get me on Sundays. I was determined to get to church. I would sit on the porch with my 5 five children waiting to go. Some days I felt like walking, but I didn`t. As time went on, we began to really pray in my home. We invited many people over to pray with us. We saw God perform many miracles` signs and waonders in the place. Women came to my house all the time of night with problems. I would listen and pray. My house became a place of refuge. This was a time in my life when I cut off my kinsfolk because they were so negative. I told them that if they came to my house just to gossip, stay away. It spread by my mother that I had flipped out because I did nothing but prayed. I performed my wife &and motherly duties, but I had developed a life of prayer &and reading. This became a journey because people that didn`t come to see me when I was so low began to say they had a word for me. They began to tell me that I was going to hell because I was going to a church that did not preach Jesus` name. I continued to pursue. They said I had lost my mind because I was giving away food and stuff. I kept seeking God day & and night. I became higher in my walk with him. The more I pursued, the harder the trials became,; but because my focus was God, things didn`t affect me as bad as in other times. As long as I kept focus on him, continued to do his work and continued to pursue him, the trials got easier & and easier. Me and tThe prayer warriors and I kept pushing and pursuing after God. God revealed himself in ways we could hardly imagine. People came to be nosy, but in the midst of coming just to speculate, things happened that changed their lives and they continued to come. We wereasn`t any longer worrying about bills because as we pushed, pursued, and kept focus, God supplied our needs. I went through things I never went through, but I made it through it all. This was a season in my life when God began to shed all that aexccess baggage off of me because I began to see his favor over my life like never before. Things I desired, I uttered in my heart and he did them for me. I remember in this season I becoame sick enough to die,. I did not know what was wrong with me, but I do know how because God revealed to me that this man & and woman that wereas coming to my house was working witchcraft against me. I remember being so sick, but as I would be cooking, I would stare at my kids and ask God not to allow me to die on my children. So, I would crawl my way to the prayer room at night while they were asleep and I would fall asleep in the prayer room many nights, right on the floor. Prayer is what kept me living. I remember ministering to so many people in this season in my life. Life took so many more turns after all of thiese, but it`s to be continued at a later date in the next series called "A Journey with Jesus." I am 34 thirty-four years old and I have finally realized my true purpose in life. I am now confident in who I am,; I know my true identity. I had to go through all of these struggles and discomforts to find my identity. I am now a motivational speaker and an evangelist. I am complete, whole, and there is nothing missing. I have attained a cosmetology and a cosmetology instructor`s license. I have 6 six beautiful children and one beautiful granddaughter. I have truly found peace from within. I am no longer affected by what people say about me. I now walk with much confidence. My life is no longer a struggle. I am also a single woman of God. I have really found true happiness and that is through God alone. My heavenly father has guided me every step of the way. I may have encountered struggle after struggle, but I see now that God always had a purpose and plan for my life. Life may bring about many struggles, but if you keep pushing, you will come to an expected end. I see now that life is a journey that we are traveling, just to become everything that God intended for us to be. Be blessed and continue to walk in God`s calling. I have been writing for some years now, I started writing when I got old enough to write. I remember using up all of the paper that my mother bought for me to do my assignments at school, writing letters to little boys. As I got older, I began to express how I felt on paper, I wrote my deepest thoughts on paper. Through my writings, I began to experience such a peace that came from within. Not knowing that I would begain to experience getting answers to my own questions through my writings. As years began to pass, I began to wake up in the middle of the night to write how I felt, but I started addressing these letters to God. I found so much security in this method of writing. I began to realize that God was my ultimate source through my writing process. I developed such a relationship with my heavenly father. Writing God became the center of my attention. I did not realize that as I wrote I was going through a healing process. Writing caused me to be able to cope with everyday life. I always said I would publish a book someday. As I moved from place to place, I always carried these writings with me. I was inspired to work on my first book, after going through so many struggles. I just happened to be sitting at my youngest daughter`s school one day and I began to cry, asking God what had I done so wrong that caused me to go through all of the things that I had gone through for all of these years. I asked my heavenly father for answers and he told me to pick up some paper and begain to write,. I began writing and all the answers I needed came out from within me. He told me the same way writing caused me to receive peace, it will cause others who read my writings to receive the same peace that I always experienced. He let me kneow on that very day that there was healing in my writing and readers would experience his healing power as they read what He inspired me to write. Also, he let me kneow that my life struggles only came to make me stronger and wiser. He shared with me that the struggles only came to benefit others and that I would have to share my testimony through writing about my life for others to read. "Autobiography" Book Summary I am now a living testimony that you can make it through any struggle, only if you put God first. There will be many hard trials, but keep your hand in God`s hands. He will lead and guide you in every situation that you go through. No matter how big or small the situation is. He will bring you through. I have stood the test of being called crazy and everything. After all the hard trials, I am still standing here today., Ssharing my testimony of how God brought me through. I was destined to be different only for greatness and for God`s purpose. I have been called to preach the gGospel to all that are lost. My struggles have shaped me for my ministry. I have been equipped with the tools to be everything God created for me to be. I am now happy with my life because I can see much clearer now. I no longer fault others for my struggles, because I see now that the struggles were all in my father`s plan. There are roads we all have to travel, but we all have been destined with a purpose. SUGGESTION: I wanna give honor to God, my lone heavenly father. SUGGESTION: I believe I would have gone further in life had I dared to be different. SUGGESTION: As I journey through life, I recalled how it all started when I was about five years old. SUGGESTION: I was laughed at as if I was a nobody. SUGGESTION: I felt as if this was my right; remember, I was on it first. SUGGESTION: I was never allowed to do certain things, and I couldn`t do them without being caught. SUGGESTION: I did not know at that time that it wasn't just a scripture that I was quoting, because I was an innocent kid who didn`t know the meaning of much more hardships. CLARIFICATION: Do you mean receptacle here? SUGGESTION: Each time she would come in the house, she tries to come in through the back where we were. SUGGESTION: and we would be meeting up at her mother`s house SUGGESTION: My sister heard the ex-wife`s aunt told my ex-husband's daughter SUGGESTION: but I begged to differ SUGGESTION: God allowed us to always stay above water. After having Antoinette, I went to work to help our situation out. But it seems that the more we tried, the harder it got. SUGGESTION: one of them was my aunt. SUGGESTION: This is hanging and can be expressed complete as: Believe me when I tell you those people accepted me with open arms. SUGGESTION: God inspired me to use one of the rooms in my house for a prayer room. SUGGESTION: miraculous signs CLARIFICATION: Perhaps you mean here that: It was spread by my mother CLARIFICATION: This is hanging and can be expressed complete as: I have attained a cosmetology certificate or I have attained a cosmetology diploma SUGGESTION: This is hanging and can be expressed complete as: It came to me not knowing that I would begin to experience getting answers to my own questions through my writings. 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